Kinship Wars Discussion
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Junior Member
Posts: 4
Reply with quote  #1 
Ok, I've never done this before --- so the first question is: Do you want grammar and spelling corrections or do you have professional folks to take care of that?

Posts: 3
Reply with quote  #2 
Hi there...

Just a general discussion on ideas, concepts, plots, etc...these are early drafts. Before publication these will go through professional wringers of many sorts.

Originally Posted by AugustFalcon
Ok, I've never done this before --- so the first question is: Do you want grammar and spelling corrections or do you have professional folks to take care of that?


Junior Member
Posts: 2
Reply with quote  #3 
I do not know how helpful I can be. I never did this, and military SF is not usually my favorite topic, though I do read some.

So I will ignore small syntactic issues, and make whatever remarks I have, and see whether it is useful to you.

Here are the first ones, regarding the first chapter. I realize these are probably too detailed. But it is the result of my first attempt at reading.  It may be presomptuous from someone who could not write fiction if his life depended on it. Also: I am not a physicist.

  • On page 1:

In the text  "feeling a bit of the warp transit sickness all living beings experienced." I think the end "all living beings experienced" pushes the reader out of the story, treating her as a foreigner to that world.

Why say now that the moon is tidally locked, a technical detail that seems to have no role here?

I would also exchange the use of "world" (where one can live) and "planet" (technically a satellite of a sun, possibly having moons. At least that is my understanding.

  • On page 4:

I strongly doubt that repeating a message for an hour is the most effective way to ensure that it is transmitted correctly over a noisy channel. So it is unlikely to be used by these ships.

Besides, at the bottom of page four, there is a second message, obviously important, for which this protocol is not applied.On page 4:

  • On page 5:

"It went from a standing stop to a pseudospeed of a hundred lights in ten seconds"

What is a "standing stop" ?  In classical mechanics, there is no such thing. It simply makes no logical sense. Unless it is the speed of light, your speed, including immobility, can only be defined relative to some reference frame, that may be materialised by some astronomical structure.

You could possibly introduce the concept of a "warp stop" when warp engines are idle, though the ship may be moving balistically (in free fall), or under impulse drive, BTW, as a suggestion, one might think think that impulse drive is also necessary to move through warped space when the warp engine is active.

  • On page 6:

I do not understand how a ship going faster than light (FTL) can see anything behind itself. The light coming from enemy vessels is slower. Actually, I have no idea what could be seen in front either ... but il is unlikely to be limited to a blue shift.

Why not detect and locate the enemy vessels from the warp signature of their motion in space. Since warp is supposed to allow FTL speed, one may expect that the effects of warp engines on space propagate FTL too. Of course this is not real physics either, but it feels less cryingly impossible.

  • On page 7:

"Without inertia" ...  that is new. Is it necessary? Is it related to warp? It certainly could. Only massless particles are known to attain light speed, afaik.

Again: "it dropped out of warp to a standstill in deep space." (cf page 5 comment)

  • On page 21:

Montana is the most important strategic resource.  Sending an intelligence squadron from Montana increases the risk of leaking out this information from on-ship databases, ship log or crew, even inadvertently.

Regarding the files.

The more convenient way for my reading is to use my ereader. Of course, PDF is not the best format for that, but my guess is that it is more convenient for you (though I thought Calibre could convert some formats like MSWord to epub).

At least it would be helpful to have a darker font. This tty style fixed width font is really a strain because it appears pale grey on my screen.

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